Caring for the Elderly Part 13
The funeral service for my late Father was held today. As ever I would like to collate my thoughts and present them here in the hope that I may be able to assist someone else who is currently dealing with a bereavement. Funerals can be challenging at any time but are further complicated at the moment due to the various restrictions imposed due to the global COVID-19 pandemic. However, there is still scope to give a loved one a fitting send off. You just have to be a little more creative about it and try to be understanding of the current regulations regarding social gatherings. Despite my concerns today’s service at our local Borough crematorium went well, if such a term is appropriate. I feel that my Father was honoured appropriately and that his family and friends were able to pay their respects and celebrate his life in a manner that he would approve of.
When my Father died on September 16th one of the first tasks that followed was the registering of his death. During that process there was the option to include the details of which Funeral Directors you are utilising. As I had done some research prior to speaking to the registrar, I had already chosen the Co-op Funeralcare as my vendor of choice. I made this decision based on recommendations from two friends who had used their service and because of the comprehensive FAQ the company has on their website. They have clear guidance of what to do after a bereavement from registering the death, notifying all relevant third parties, administering a will and the etiquette and protocol of arranging a funeral. The information is clear and accessible. Co-op Funeralcare also has a range of products which suit a variety of budgets. They also offer environmentally friendly options and can accommodate humanist and non-religious services.
I subsequently booked an appointment with my local branch of Co-op Funeralcare and was seen five days after my Father’s death on 21st September. The Funeral Arranger was sympathetic, supportive and exceedingly helpful. We discussed a range of potential options for my Father’s funeral in a relaxed atmosphere. The offices are designed to be “homely” and less like standard corporate premises. The first question discussed is whether the deceased was to be buried or cremated. Cremation was the case in this instance. I then picked a coffin from an extensive range. As the family did not wish a viewing, there was no requirement for an open casket, embalming or any other morticians services. We then moved on to the logistics of the service. Usually the coffin is brought to the crematorium via a hearse. There are limousines available to bring family members. However, due to the lockdown there are restrictions on the use of limousines, so it is more efficient to simply make your own way to the crematorium. My Father wasn’t a religious man so there was no requirement for a minister of any kind. Hence, the overall costs for the funeral were quite low.
All of this was arranged on my first visit to the funeral directors. When I left, the date had been set for the service, which was to be held at the local Borough Crematorium. With regard to the costs, there were several payment plans available from the funeral directors, depending on the customer’s financial circumstances. I paid the entire cost by bank transfer the following day. Over the next week there were a few additional tasks to sort out. I had to choose two pieces of music to be played at the service. One for when guests arrive and take their seats in the chapel. The other at the end when they exit into the garden of remembrance. For the former I opted for Tchaikovsky: Souvenir d'un lieu cher, Op.42 - 3. Mélodie performed by Janine Jansen. I chose this because my Father played the violin in his youth and loved such music. For the second piece my Father had specifically requested Ich hatt' einen Kameraden ("The Good Comrade"). This is a popular tune played at German military funerals. My Father had a penchant for military culture, having done his National Service after WWII and then joined the Territorial Army in the Fifties. I must admit I was pleasantly surprised when the funeral director’s managed to find the latter track performed on the Trumpet by Dirk Jess. Apparently a lot of UK funeral directors use the Wesley Media library which is quite comprehensive.
I took some clothes to the funeral directors. Although my Father was in a closed casket, I wanted him dressed in his regimental blazer and tie, rather than just a funeral shroud. Another aspect associated with funerals are floral tributes. My Father left instructions that attendees not buy any as he considered this wasteful. Instead he suggested that a charitable donation was made in his name, in lieu of flowers. In this case his charity of choice was The Royal British Legion, which provides financial, social and emotional support to members and veterans of the British Armed Forces, their families and dependants. However, I did order a floral spray for the coffin, so it was not completely unadorned when placed on the catafalque. The final arrangement I had to make was creating and printing an Order of Service. There are plenty of online printers that offer this service, providing templates in all the most common formats, so this was not a major problem. Adobe also offers a free online service for editing photos. This proved useful in restoring an old photo of my Father, for use in the Order of Service.
Once all of the above preparations were made, it was simply a case of inviting family and friends to the service. Under current rules up to 30 people can attend a funeral in the UK. The service is allotted 30 minutes running time. Which brings me to today’s events; the funeral service itself. We all met at the Eltham Crematorium which has an outside waiting area inbetween it’s two chapels. At present the internal waiting rooms are closed. The noticeboard told us which of the two chapels our service had been assigned. The hearse arrived and I was greeted by the funeral director. We had been given a choice in advance as to whether a party of mourners wished to carry the coffin into the chapel. We decline this and my Father’s coffin was carried in by staff with suitable reverence. The first piece of music played and we entered and sat on the pews in a socially distanced manner. There were ten people in total. I welcome all attendees and then read my eulogy to my father. My Aunt, his only surviving Sister (93) then gave some lovely personal reminiscences about their childhood. Finally, one of my Father’s best friends spoke of their 65 year friendship and how they met in the Territorial Army. There was then a minute's silence for prayer and reflection. We then exited in the garden of remembrance and made small talk, as you do at such events. As there was no function or wake in light of the pandemic, we said our goodbyes and departed.
So these are my recent experiences of arranging and attending a funeral for a loved one in 2020. Due to my Father’s specific wishes, I don’t know if the service would have been radically different even if there wasn’t a pandemic. We may have used the limousine service and perhaps have sung a few of his favourite hymns but beyond that I don’t think there would have been too many further embellishments. Overall I did not find this an emotionally overwhelming experience and certainly feel that Co-op Funeralcare did much to make the arrangements and logistics as straightforward as possible. In the space of three weeks, I have administered as many of my Father’s affairs as I can. Some must now be dealt with by solicitors. I think the funeral service struck the right tone. There was deference and dignity but the speeches focused on celebrating my Father’s life. And so, now that everything that can be done, has been done, it’s a question of moving forward. In a week I can collect my father’s ashes. I’m sure the reality of my loss will catch up with me then and I shall grieve in my own way. But life goes on.
