"Good Company"

November 02, 2019 / Roger Edwards

I have been ruminating upon this writing this post for a long time. One of the reasons I’ve deferred it many times, is that it’s extremely personal and I have strong views on putting such information in the public domain. Another reason is that there is scope for what I’m going to express to be wilfully misconstrued. What I hope to explore is a legitimate point and ongoing aspect of my life. But if it’s not framed in an appropriate manner, it may well come off as snobbish and judgemental. So I shall try to be as succinct as possible. Since 2016, I have been a full-time carer for both my disabled parents. I know longer work in the traditional sense. Therefore, I no longer experience the social dynamic of the work environment. For better or ill, work does offer interaction with others and scope for wider social activities. I now experience a different variation of these. I speak and make small talk with nurses and carers. I go to the shops and quip with the pharmacist along with the staff in the supermarket and newsagent. Due to the litany of doctors and hospital appointment I take my parents to, I spend a lot of time waiting and interacting with “older people”. People the same age as my parents. IE forty years my senior.

I make no claim to be “lonely” in the classic sense of the phrase. I live with Mrs P and we have a good relationship and do things toegether. But by not having a traditional work life, I am not mixing with people of a comparable age, nor am I spending time with those from the same academic discipline. I don’t miss the bullshit that is endemic to office politics but I do miss the company of likeminded people, as well as the problem solving that goes hand in hand with complex network infrastructure. I no longer speak with other about the news, science, philosophy or even fandom. I just make superficial small talk with strangers. Chat about the weather or the state of the bus service. I also nod politely but say nothing when someone decides to share their ill-conceived opinion on the latest contentious political issue. Plus I have to endure the cultural entrenched prejudices of the older generations. Something I find particularly unpleasant.

[Insert punchline about entrenched racism here]

I have a small circle of good friends, people I’ve known since college. But they’ve moved, had families and have done all the regular stuff that people do and as a result, we only see each other about three or four times a year. I don’t begrudge this in anyway. It’s all part of life’s rich pageant. So to address this social and what I would define as an “intellectual engagement” gap, I listen to a lot of podcasts and YouTube videos. Digesting the thoughts and musings of Richard Dawkin, Robin Ince, Brian Cox and Mary Beard is great for stimulating the grey matter. I also like to know the back story behind the current news and social talking points. I don’t mean lazy partisan arguments and simply taking a side. I like to understand the complexities that so often underpin all major debates. It’s an unfashionable position but that’s how I’m programmed. But although all these things can provide a great deal of mental stimulation, there can also be a downside. Pondering weighty matters makes me less disposed towards the mundane.

Now I have no intention of abandoning small talk and light weight social interactions as I go about my daily business. Courtesy is hardwired into my personality. Plus some of the old people I share a word with, may not have a great deal of contact with other people and I think it’s important to reflect upon this. It’s an utter cliché but it is still true that a “kind word goes a long way”. However, if I find myself circulating among guests at a family gathering it is often a struggle to find any robust conversation. Some people like to keep it simple because they know certain hot topics are contentious. Others, often those who are the least informed, seem to be the most confident and willing to share their “perspective”. Hence such social occasions are often a chore for me and I tend to avoid them unless I know specific people will be there, with whom I’ve had positive engagement in the past.

Without getting too much into “armchair expert” territory, let’s embrace a couple of broad universal truths. People are tribal by nature and usually seek company of those who are broadly similar to themselves. That’s not to say that we don’t sometimes have friends who are radically different than ourselves but usually there is a kind of social and intellectual parity within our peer group. To be removed from such a social mechanic is frustrating. As I stated initially, I don’t feel lonely. However, I do feel at times unengaged and like I’m stagnating. That I’m not testing my mettle or using my brain enough. I miss the company of those who can cogently challenge my viewpoint or make me laugh with a well-conceived joke or quip. There’s a Sherlock Holmes quote that springs to mind. I hasten to add I do not consider myself to be in anyway like the great detective but the point made is a good analogy. “My mind is like a racing engine, tearing itself to pieces because it is not connected up with the work for which it was built”. As to what the solution is to this problem, I’m not sure. I believe I have to make things happen and go and seek out some mental stimulation. Exactly what that will involve I cannot say at present. In the meantime, I shall continue to look to my online friendships to fill this gap.