Loneliness

April 20, 2023 / Roger Edwards

I was consulting my list of blog topics, when I spotted the subject of loneliness among the various talking points I’ve collated. “Hah”, I thought. “That will do”, hoping to quickly write four or more paragraphs off the top of my head. However, during the course of some lightning research I discovered the following website, Campaign to End Loneliness and realised that this may not be a subject one can easily extemporise about without being too general or indeed, insensitive. Loneliness exists on a spectrum and is highly subjective. Some of the examples cited by Campaign to End Loneliness, may well sound quite trivial while others are truly heart breaking. All of which highlights, like so many things in life, that the subject is nuanced, subjective and one needs to avoid generalisation. Which raises the point, what can I contribute to such a discussion? My own experiences.

When I was a teenager, I had a wide circle of friends. I found that being humorous was an easy means to ensure that I was socially engaged. However, as I grew older and wiser, I discovered and began to enjoy the merit of more serious friendships. All too often in life, we find that our social activities are driven by the practical realities of our lives. Hence you become friends with people that you work with, or with other parents or with the family of your partner. Such friendships are subject to change and it is not unusual to find yourself at a point in life where your social circle has shrunk. The matter is compounded by the fact that men are especially poor at maintaining friendships in later life, especially once they’re in a relationship. Hence I now find myself with a reduced social circle. This is not necessarily a complaint but undoubtedly it is a fact.

Now I live with Mrs P who I have known since 1990. We get on well and have shared interests. But we do not live in each other's pockets to coin a phrase and pursue other hobbies and pastimes outside of those that we both enjoy. No matter how much we love and respect our respective partners, most people cannot get by exclusively with one person’s company. This is where friends meet our other needs and if they are absent, they are sorely missed. I have several long term friends but not all of them live immediately to hand. We meet up every quarter and when we do, simply pick up where we left off. But in day-to-day life, I have found that I speak to less and less people. I am not much on small talk and lots of people don’t care for weighty philosophical talking points as an opening gambit when striking up a casual conversation.

I used to find that the internet was a great way of filling this social and conversational gap. Blogging and becoming part of a community certainly has many social aspects to it. When I started podcasting, that meant maintaining a weekly recording schedule and having regular conversations about the subjects I was passionate about with my co-host Brian and guests. I felt engaged and very content. But nothing lasts forever and despite numerous attempts to kickstart the habit, the podcasting community that we belonged to has come to an end. I still enjoy social media and use Twitter but that too has become fragmented. Many of the people I followed have moved to Mastodon, which doesn’t have the same reach. Another factor is that many friends I have met online have chosen to step away from online engagement, as it comes with as many negative connotations as it does positive.

So I find myself at the age of 55 feeling at times somewhat lonely. It isn’t a constant feeling and it is certainly not debilitating. However, I do feel there are gaps in my social interactions and it feels at times quite tangible. I profoundly miss my father who was excellent company and a knowledgeable man. He had a knack of hoarding data and could often surprise you with the things that he knew about. He also wasn’t afraid of modernity and would like to know about new technology and social trends. I also occasionally miss the cut and thrust of the work environment. But overall it is just the lack of intelligent company. All too often I’ll read something that I find intriguing and worthy of comment, only to realise that there’s no one around to share the anecdote with. Similarly, if I wanted to nip down the pub and just talk bollocks over a beer, that is something that has to be prearranged.

Naturally, I don’t compare my nominal experiences of loneliness with those who live alone and have no friends or human contact. The relative nature of loneliness per se, means you shouldn’t really try and set one person’s experience against another. What may seem minor to you may be crippling to another. Plus, being a retired man, I certainly have the means to improve my situation. If I want company, to stop feeling removed or isolated, then I need to seek out appropriate social groups. It’s not as if there’s a shortage of such things these days. Problems don’t put themselves right and you sometimes have to step outside of your comfort or indolence zone. Who knows, trying to resolve this matter itself may well be worthy of a blog post. Perhaps such a foray into socialising will remedy the issue or prove that friendships are harder to find and keep these days. Time will tell.