10 Questions from ChatGPT and Cosmopolitan
Great, it’s internet question time once again. Regular readers will already know that I really like these sorts of things. Unlike Sparks, I do have the time to answer questionnaires. Despite the fact that such articles are often considered lightweight writing, I do believe that even the most vacuous line of enquiry can yield an interesting post. This time round I have a diverse set of questions from two very different sources. The first five are courtesy of ChatGPT, which seems just as capable of asking sublimely asinine questions as real people. The next five come from Cosmopolitan. A publication and website that you wouldn’t immediately associate with me. However, out of the various questions available on both sites, I have chosen ten that I think have scope for reasoned debate and interesting answers. Thanks very much to UltrViolet and Hamatti for providing the aforementioned lines of enquiry.
Q: If you could teleport to any place on Earth right now, where would you go and what adventures would you have there?
A: I am a very bad traveller. I dislike the hassle and discomfort associated with modern travel. I hate being confined in a car for more than 3 hours and I simply am not wealthy enough to travel by any other means in the manner I would like. IE First class. The idea of a Star Trek transporter to travel around the world really appeals to me. The inconvenience associated with travel is instantly negated. You could visit somewhere exotic first thing in the morning and then return home within hours if it suited you. Instant access to the culture of the world. Some people may argue that the hardships of travel are part of the experience but I say “go piss up a rope”.
Q: You're given the ability to rewrite the ending of your favourite movie or book – how would you change it, and what new twists would you introduce?
A: I would change the first act of 2001: A Space Odyssey. When the ape picks up the bone, instead of using it as a club, it would have been far more amusing if he’d fashioned it into a primitive flute and regaled the other group of apes at the watering hole with a jaunty folk tune. Then from that point on, the entire film became a musical.
Q: If you were granted the ability to talk to animals for a day, which animal would you choose to converse with first, and what would you ask them?
A: Considering how abominably we treat animals, both wild and domesticated, I think it would be staggeringly arrogant to assume that they would wish to talk to us in the first place. As a society our relationship with nature is utterly broken and we have also infantilised our interactions with pets. I think it would be far more beneficial to all concerned if we left animals alone, rather than subject them to our garrulous inanities.
Q: If you could swap lives with any celebrity for a week, who would it be and how would you handle their fame and responsibilities?
A: I would swap lives with the most egregious but wealthy celebrity I could find and during my week, speak out and support the sort of social and political issues that would normally be an anathema to them. I would also give huge sums of money to charities and invest substantially in the sort of lobbying that they usually revile. It makes me smile just thinking about it.
Q: What's the most adventurous dish you've ever tried, and how did your taste buds react to this bold culinary experience?
A: In the early 2000s, I went to the Coq d'Argent restaurant in the City of London (which is the financial district of London). It serves traditional French dishes alongside bespoke and innovative dishes by Executive Head Chef, Damien Rigollet. It is the embodiment of high end dining and the fanciest restaurant I’ve been to in my life. For my starter I had Escargots de Bourgogne, which is snails from Burgundy served in garlic and parsley butter. The snails were served in their shells and I was handed what looked like a set of tools used by a gynaecologist. If you’ve had seafood before such as oysters or mussels, then snails are very similar. They are all molluscs. Overall it was very nice and the only hassle was getting the blighters out of the shells.
Q: Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
A: I do this with complex phone enquiries, such as querying a bill with a utility company. I try to ensure that I keep my inquiry short, factually correct and easy to understand. On the occasions when I call a radio phone in show, I again work out and rehearse the basics of what I am going to say, so I don’t sound like a confused, incoherent, rambling asshole.
Q: Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
A: I have more than a hunch. My Dad’s side of the family tends to live long but die of cancer. My Mum’s side mainly suffers from heart disease. I have already been diagnosed with such and I suspect from my cavalier attitude to drinking and dining well, that my fate will be similar.
Q: Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
A: The older I have become, the more passionate I have become about politics in the UK. The country is broken and unequal, with an unfair, non representative voting system. People have often said of late, “you seem very motivated and engaged, why don’t you get involved?” to which I reply, sadly, “no”. I approach socioeconomic and cultural problems from a basis of rationality, critical thought and practicality. Politics does not accommodate these at present. It is tribal, ideological and far too self serving. I would simply crash and burn if I tried to become engaged with the system as it currently exists.
Q: How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
A: I had a very good relationship with my late mother. We were very similar, which is why we could clash at times but similarly, we could appreciate each other’s perspective. She had an excellent sense of humour and I admired her ability to constantly lift herself up, when she was down. The last few years of her life were tragic and it broke my heart that she had to endure such a physical and mental decline. I miss her laughter and singing. And the way her cheeks would always go red when she had a drop of whisky. She’d say “look at me. I’ve got a face like a fireman’s arse”.
Q: What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
A: Easy one this. Nothing. Context and motive are everything. That’s not to say that we should wade into any subject that we have no first hand experience of and think we have a free pass. But if a salient point can be made about a heinous subject via the medium of humour, from someone who knows about it, then that is okay with me. Offence can be the collateral damage of free speech and it’s a price worth paying. The easily offended should remember the words of stoic philosophers that being offended is actually a choice you make and if you choose not to be, then it has no sway over you.
