The Colbert Questionert
Using his prodigious experience as a chat show host, Stephen Colbert (of the eponymous The Late Show with Stephen Colbert fame) has crafted 15 hard-hitting, probing and perceptive questions, as a means to dissect and analyse his celebrity guests. These include such insightful inquiries as “What is the scariest animal?”, “What do you think happens when we die?” and “Apples or oranges?”. So far these questions have been successfully used by Mr Colbert to interrogate the likes of Keanu Reeves, Jeff Goldblum and Sandra Bullock. Hilarity naturally ensued, or at least by the standard of US network television. I’m not really a fan of the “celebrity talk show” because it doesn’t really exist as such anymore. What we now have instead is the “celebrity with something to sell show” but that gripe is best addressed in a separate blog post.
However, I’ll cut Stephen Colbert some slack as he is very good at what he does as well as being a major Tolkien fan, thus we have some common ground (the Tolkien bit at least). Furthermore, as I’ve stated time and time again, I do like a vacuous, trite and puerile questionnaire. Mainly because there is always scope to subvert the answers. I can be as serious or as frivolous as I see fit. Hence, despite not being a Hollywood celebrity, I shall now answer “The Colbert Questionert” as it has become known. You can find the source questions here. My answers are purely my own opinion etc. and all that other small print jive. On with the questions.
Q. Best sandwich?
A. One you haven’t made or paid for yourself. The best sandwiches also need to be served at room temperature. Those that have been left in the fridge too long tend to have a somewhat soggy texture and it can kill the subtle flavours of your filling. I used to go to an artisan sandwich shop, round the corner from Saint Paul’s Cathedral. They had a choice of a dozen different types of bread. Happy days. Oh and being a Brit, we butter the bread in our sandwiches. Not a common practice in the States, I’m led to believe.
Q. What's one thing you own that you really should throw out?
A. I’m somewhat at a loss as to how to answer this question because I am not a hoarder to begin with. Once a possession is no longer required or broken I will happily dispense with it. Or is this question more metaphorical? Should I be rejecting my existential angst or irrational fear of people called Colin?
Q. What is the scariest animal?
A. I don’t dig Wolf spiders and I’m not especially keen on Humboldt squids. But I guess the scariest animal is Homo sapiens. Nasty buggers that will steal your eye and comeback for the socket. Consider their track record. The Spanish Inquisition, Idi Amin, and the Air Bud franchise.
Q. Apples or oranges?
A. Apples are less messy to eat and can be thrown at Bill Ferny. I do like blood oranges though.
Q. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
A. Only on blank cheques.
Q. What do you think happens when we die?
A. Wikipedia has a very good description of the physical processes that occur and culminate in our current definition of death. What more can I add? I have no religious beliefs and therefore have no spiritual or metaphysical insights to offer. As I see it, once your brain dies, everything you were ceases to exist. The most philosophical thought I can offer is that you may be remembered fondly by loved ones, or those you interacted with in a positive fashion.
Q. Favourite action movie?
A. Aliens, Zulu, Seven Samurai, Enter the Dragon, Die Hard, The Spy Who Loved Me, The Wrong Trousers. I could name hundreds more.
Q. Favourite smell?
A. I caught COVID-19 in April 2020 and it has left me with a greatly reduced sense of smell. This impediment has both advantages and disadvantages. I cannot smell many unpleasant odours, however this can be a problem, for example if something is burning. I still enjoy the smell of bacon cooking.
Q. Least favourite smell?
A. Vomit and other types of faecal matter. Decaying flesh is unpleasant. Sour milk is grim as well. My father dropped a bottle of mint extract in the kitchen while cooking, when I was a child. The stench lingered for weeks. I therefore despise any permutation of this odour.
Q. Exercise: worth it?
A. Exercise is worth it for the health benefits but broadly speaking, I find exercise regimes tiresome. I like to walk and hike for pleasure and this is always far more enjoyable when you have good company. But although I recognise that exercise is a good thing, I find the associated culture surrounding it dull and somewhat self congratulatory.
Q. Flat or sparkling?
A. Both. There is a time and a place for both flat and sparkling drinks, be they water, wine or other beverages.
Q. Most used app on your phone?
A. WhatsApp and Instagram, as both are a means to keep up with what the family are up to. I guess my banking apps would be next.
Q. You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it?
A. This is a very silly question because if you think about the prospect of only being able to only listen to one song for the rest of your life, it would eventually become a form of torture. Plus any choice I make now, may well change in a week or a month's time.
Q. What number am I thinking of
A. 42
Q. Describe the rest of your life in 5 words?
A. Slowly heading towards inevitable oblivion.
